An American in Saskatchewan/Transcript
Bill: Excuse me. I was wondering if I'm in the right place. Brent Leroy: I was just having that same thought myself. Bill: I'm supposed to be at a fishing lodge in Deer Lake. Am I close to Deer Lake? Wanda Dollard: Close linguistically. Bill: Sorry? Wanda: This is Dog River. Animal, water... Brent: Dog River, Deer Lake...dog, deer, river, lake. Bill: Oh, I get what you're saying. Lacey Burrows: Oh, wow. You fit in way faster than I did. Bill: I just wonder how my travel plans got so screwed up. Brent: Yeah, who's your travel agent, Christopher Columbus? Lacey: Christopher Columbus? Brent: He got lost! Wanda: And he discovered North America. Brent: Fine. Would you like the joke better if I said "Who's your travel agent, Amelia Earhart?" Lacey: Well, she disappeared forever, now it has a tragic element. Brent: Geez, it happened a while back Lacey, get over it. Wanda: Your Columbus joke, inaccurate. Your Earhart one, just tacky. Brent: I stand by my work, history will vindicate me. Bill: Yep, definitely not the right place. Davis Quinton: I don't like it. I don't like what this could do to a town. Wes Humboldt: You know what it is Oscar? Oscar Leroy: Yes I do jackass. It's a money machine. I've seen a money machine before. Davis: I don't know about the morality of putting an ATM in a store that sells insurance and booze. It might lead people to impulsively buy insurance. Oscar: It's not working. Wes: Strip goes down and to the left. To the left. Oscar: Whose left? Wes: Your left. Oscar: Not the machine's left? Wes: Your left. Davis: See? It's already tearing the town apart. Oscar: It's not working. Davis: Here. That's your driver's license. Oscar: I been looking for that. Bill: Well, this seems like a really nice town. Is there a lot to do around here? Emma Leroy: Oh yeah. Lacey: Lots of stuff. Bill: Hunting? Emma: No. Bill: Fishing? Lacey: Nope. Bill: Kayaking? Lacey: No. Bill: I already said hunting. Emma: Davis has that pile of lumber. Bill: I'm sorry? Emma: It's big and you have to see it. It's lumber. I'm not really doing it justice. Lacey: Oh, let me try Emma. It's a big pile, of lumber, and uh, and it's just sitting there. Emma: It's great. Big pile. Bill: It is shaped like anything? Lacey: No. Emma: It's pile shaped. Karen Pelly: Hey Lacey. I'll have the soup de jour. Lacey: Sure, Oh Karen, this is Bill. He's from Wisconsin. Karen: Oh, an American. Well, soup de jour is French. It means "soup of the day." Bill: Thanks. Karen: "De jour" means "day" and "soup" means "soup." In French. At least I think it does. Does it? Emma: I think so. Soup is universal. Bill: There's something. I think I'll learn some French while I'm up here. Are you all bilingual? Lacey: No. Karen: No. Emma: No. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Brent! My campaign to promote Dog River is working. An American tourist has come here accidentally. Wanda: If he came here accidentally, what does that have to do with your campaign? Fitzy: Hey, you can't argue with results. Wanda: Don't tell me what I can't argue with. Hank: He's here accidentally? Brent: Yeah, who's his travel agent, Amelia Earhart? Hank: Poor Amelia Earhart. Wanda: Jeez Brent. Brent: She knew the risks! Fitzy: Anyway. Hank, I want you to show this guy around town. Be Dog River's good will ambassador. Hank: Oh, yeah? Cool! I always wanted to be an ambassador. Brent: Oh, I know. You relentlessly pursued that ambition. Wanda: Why Hank? Fitzy: I need somebody with too much time on his hands. Wanda: Oh, well, then as a bonus, he also has too much dirt on his hands. Brent: Hey, wait a minute. Isn't Mark Mallett already the town's good will ambassador? Mark Mallett: Welcome to Dog River! Fitzy: We're going in a different direction. Hank: Don't worry Mr. Mayor. I'll make you proud. Hank: So, Wisconsin huh? They call you cheeseheads there, right? Cheesehead. Big old heads of cheese. Come and buy me a coffee cheesehead. Davis: I don't like this ATM. Fitzy: Me either. Karen: Do you think I should learn French? It's a beautiful language. Everything sounds better in French. Except "soup." Fitzy: Soup? Davis: I'm telling you Mayor, my gut tells me this ATM is bad news. If you don't let me do my job... Karen: Davis, he just said he didn't like it either. Why don't you like it? Pourquoi? Fitzy: They're in there talking, scheming. I maintain power by keeping my ear to the ground. Karen: No one wants your job Fitzy. Dog Riverite: So that's why I think the chicken comes first. Wes: Good point. But I'm an egg man myself. What do you think Wanda? Wanda: Huh? Wes: Chicken or egg? Wanda: Oh, not to be too technical but the egg does pre-date the chicken by millions of years if you look at the dinosaurs. Now, if you're taking semantics out of the question...hey, cool! Money machine! Wes: OK, uh, chicken or egg? Oscar? What do you think? Oscar: What do you mean, what do you think? Wes: I mean, what do you think? Oscar: Why do you want to know what I think? Are you making fun of me? Wanda: They want to know what you think, I think? Oscar: Wow! So that's what it feels like. Wanda: Jackpot! Brent: Hey, anybody seen Wanda? About this tall, sarcastic. Hank: No, no, me and cheesehead here were just settling the bill. Although he probably doesn't have any Canadian money. You know we got our own money up here cheesehead. Bill: Oh, I know. I got Canadian money. Hank: Oh, OK. Now you're gonna make fun of the colours. Go ahead, call it circus money. Let's hear the music. Do, do, do-a-loo, a do-do-do-do. Lacey: Hank, you know my rule about circus music. Hank: But he's making fun of our money. Brent: No, you were. Bill: Actually, I think coloured money makes a lot of sense. The new American fifties are kinda pink. Hank: Pink money. That's stupid. Oom-bah-bah. Oom-bah-bah. Brent: Good ambassadoring. Hank: Yeah. Fitzy: So, how's our good will ambassador doing? Hank: Oh, great, yeah. I was just saying to Bill here that we should get on our snowmobiles later and ah, go look at the polar bears. Eh, right Fitzy? Bill: I thought polar bears lived in the arctic region. Isn't this part of Saskatchewan mid-grass prairie? Hank: Yeah, at least our money's not pink. Fitzy: Brent, how'd you like to be the town's good will ambassador? Brent: I thought Hank was the town's good will ambassador. Fitzy: We're going in a different, different direction. Brent: Well, what do I get in return? Fitzy: My undying gratitude? Brent: Wow. Hard to put a price on something so worthless. Fitzy: Come on. Ambassador. Good will. Brent: Fine. But what about Hank? Fitzy: I've taken care of Hank. Hank: You can't leave me out here stranded. It's like ten miles to town. Davis: It's your house, you'll live. Hank: All I got to eat here are pickles and pop rocks. Davis: You'll probably live. Hank: Mid-grass prairie. Oscar: Good old egg salad. Hey, what do you think about the whole egg-chicken thing? Emma: I'm at peace with it. Oscar: Well, I have an opinion... Emma: I'm not surprised or interested. Oscar: You never care about what I think or what I do. This is supposed to be a marriage Emma. Emma: When's our anniversary? Oscar: August, late August. Early September. Emma: Not even close. Oscar: See? You don't care what I think. I'm going back to the ATM. Emma: Again? Why do you like it there so much? Wes: Hey, it's Oscar! Let's ask him what he thinks. Oscar: You wouldn't understand. Karen: It's kinda dead in here. C'est ne pas le plus de people. Lacey: Pardon? Karen: You mean, pardon. I decided to learn French. Lacey: Well good for you. I've got some old textbooks I could dig up. Karen: Nah, I think I'll just pick it up. Start French cold turkey. Lacey: You mean like French immersion? Karen: Yeah. Lacey: Doesn't that work better if you're in a place surrounded by people speaking French? Karen: Doesn't a diner work better if you're surrounded by customers? Brent: Hey Hank. Sorry about your ambassadorship. Hank: Yeah, what can you do. I had a good run. Brent: Good, solid, half hour run. Hank: It was a wild ride. Bill: What did you say your last name was? Lacey: Burrows. Bill: I knew a Sharon Burrows in Toronto. She was a stock broker. Hank: Oh-ho, here we go. I suppose you think Lacey knows her, huh? Oh, we all know each other in Canada here Bill. It's a vast country Bill, vast. Brent: Excuse me for a second. Lacey: Actually, I do know Sharon Burrows. She's my cousin. Bill: Wow. Hank: Small world. Oh, why don't we all go to Toronto and see her, huh? It's only about a half hours drive, eh Lacey? Eh, by dog sled. Mush, mush! Lacey: Hush. So, how do you know Sharon? Davis: I know you're the Mayor and what you say goes but I don't like that ATM. Fitzy: I keep telling you, I don't like it either. Maybe I should fight fire with fire. Davis: I think that's how we lost the train station. Hey! You can't drive like that! I should write you up a ticket. Brent: I'm good will ambassador. I have diplomatic immunity. Davis: Cool. What's up? Brent: It's about the tourist. Davis: What about him? Brent: Hank. Davis: What's he doing? Is he being Hank? Is he doing Hank type stuff? OK, time for a little community policing. Hank: I was an ambassador! Wanda: But that's what I'm saying. You need thought before you can have language. Without conscious thought, how can language exist? Karen: So you're saying, I'd have to think in French before I can learn it. Wanda: You're learning French? Oscar: Well if you wanna know what I think... Wanda: Hey Emma! You wanna try the ATM? Money comes out of it. Wes: Or you could buy some insurance. Emma: No, I just came to see what the fuss was all about. Wanda: We were just talking about whether language comes before thought or thought comes before language. Oscar: And I was just gonna say... Wanda: What do you think Emma? Karen: I'd be interested to get Emma's thoughts. Emma: Well that's an interesting question. On the one hand, some people say... Lacey: Hey Oscar. What are you pouting about? Oscar: I'm not pouting. I'm waiting for Emma. She's gabbing with the ATM people. Lacey: ATM people? Oscar: In the Liquor store. They're a fickle bunch. One minute you're king of the heap, next you're sitting on the street pouting. You wanna know what I think...stupid ATM! Lacey: Excuse me. Hello ATM people. I just wanted to remind everybody that they could have this and other discussion over at the Ruby. Karen: Why? So you can give me a head trip about how I need classes and textbooks to learn French? Here, my dreams are nurtured. Emma: You trying to learn French? Karen: Yes. And that's a dream you've been nurturing. Emma: We like talking here. There's no obligation to buy something. Wes: Although, insurance is an important investment. Wanda: Have any more muffins? Bill: Wow. That was a pile of lumber. Brent: Yes, it's just a big pile of wood there in a pile. Tonight, I'll take you to a place where they've constructed the wood into a long, table-like structure with shelves. It's called a bar. Bill: Oh, great. I'll need to get some cash though. Brent: Oh, we have one of those too. Brent: Man, this place is jumping. Lacey: Brent! Oh, what are you guys doing here? Bill: I came to get out some money. Emma: Out of what? Bill: The ATM. Emma: Oh, right. Hank: Hello? Davis: It's quiet. The calm before the storm. Karen: La calme avant les...stormage. Davis: This French stuff isn't paying off for you is it? Karen: It's not what they say down at the ATM. Davis: What did you say? Karen: Nothing. Davis: Have you been hanging out at the ATM? Karen: Je ne sais pas. Wanda: Hank. Hank: This is where everybody is, huh? Wanda: Are you OK? Looks like you've seen a ghost town. Hank: Oh, Davis keeps driving me out to my place and leaving me there. Yeah. So uh, what's everybody doing? Bill: Actually, we were talking about politics. Hank: Politics. You probably think Canada's leader is called the Grand Pooba, huh? Bill: No, it's the Governor General. Hank: Wrong, it's the Prime Minister. Wanda: Technically Hank, it is the Governor General. Bill: Actually, I think your Governor General can pick the leader of any political party to form the government in the event of a non-confidence motion. Hank: Oh, oh yeah. Wanda: Wow. Aren't you a tall drink of knowledge. You know, I've always been kinda confused. Does such a motion apply to pre-votes... Bill: As opposed to post legislation? Aw, you know, I don't know. Hank: Typical ignorant American. Lacey: Where's Bill? Brent: He's over at the ATM. That's all he ever does now. Oscar: If you wanna know what I think... Lacey: I think this ATM thing is getting out of hand. Brent: My thoughts exactly. Oscar: I also think that. In case anybody's wondering what I think. That's my thoughts. If you're wondering. Brent: This table's wobbly. Karen: So Emma, what's the best way for me to learn French? Emma: Why are you asking me? Karen: Well, you're the leader of the ATM people. Wanda: Why do you keep calling us the ATM people? It's not like we're a club. Emma: We're just a group of friends hanging around the ATM. Karen: Oh. Emma: Who I'm the leader of. Fitzy: I'm gonna outlaw ATMs. Lacey: You can't do that! Oscar: Yes he can. Brent: No he can't. Fitzy: See. The ATM has divided us. I realize now, Davis was right. Lacey: You agreed with him all along. Fitzy: Oh, yeah. Oscar: I really liked that ATM. 'Til Emma came. What good has she ever brought me? Lacey: What about Brent? Oscar: I guess. Brent: Love you too, Dad. Give us a hug. Oscar: Don't you touch me! Hank: I don't see why you guys get Alaska. Bill: Well, don't blame me, blame Russia. Hank: You Americans, you blame Russia for everything! Emma: OK, I've heard enough. Someone take care of Hank. Karen: Hold on here, I can't let you do that. Hank: Do you like pop rocks? Lacey: Maybe we should just talk to them. Maybe if we all go there... Oscar: And we'll be wearing masks? Brent: No Dad. I think Lacey means really talk to them. Not whatever you were thinking. That requires masks. Lacey: Yeah, just talk to them. If they wanna plot against our Mayor, they can do it here in the restaurant. Brent: Or in the gas station. Lacey: What do you say? Oscar: I'm in. But if it doesn't work, we go there with masks. Lacey: Brent? Fitzy? Fitzy: It's worth a shot. Brent: Yeah, I'm sure they'll listen to reason. Brent: OK, that didn't work out as well as I thought. Lacey: No, it didn't. Fitzy: They can't do this to me. I'm the Mayor. Oscar: Yeah, well I'm a senior. Brent: Hey, thanks for sticking up for us back at the ATM. Bill: You're welcome. Brent: So, do you think you'll ever come visit Dog River again? Bill: Oh, I think so. Especially if I want to be part of some bizarre sociological experiment with no chance of hunting, fishing and where I get dropped in the middle of prairie, sure. Brent: Yeah, mid-grass prairie. Davis: Where were you, French immersion? Karen: No, I got dumped at Hank's by the ATM people. Davis: What? They can't do that! Karen: Yeah, I'm an officer of the law. Davis: Dumping people at Hank's house was my idea. They can't just steal my idea. Karen: Plus, I'm a cop. Davis: I don't care what Fitzy thinks. This time, we're doing things my way. Davis: I'll give you this if you get rid of the ATM. Wes: You're bribing me with a piece of wood. Davis: Obviously I'm not bribing you with a piece of wood. I have a whole pile of wood. It's yours. Wes: Really? That's a huge pile. It's not like the ATM's actually made anybody buy anything. Deal. Emma: So now what are we supposed to do? Wanda: I don't know. Start a wood pile club? Brent: Well, sorry about your wasted trip. I know it might seem like this was all a big mistake and we'll probably never see you again but as the town's good will ambassador, I just want to say Godspeed. Delivery Guy: Right, could somebody sign for this? Lacey: Well, now that the ATM is gone, business should pick up at the Ruby. Hank: Hey! Let's go look at Wes' pile of wood. Lacey: Oh, what the heck. It's a pile. Hank: Whole pile, of wood. Davis: Well, that's never coming back. Brent: Yep. Just like Amelia Earhart. Davis: Harsh. Category:Transcripts